so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
