You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
