I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize
