Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
