He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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