Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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