I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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