If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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