someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
