Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
