Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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