Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
