Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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