I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
