normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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