New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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