There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize