The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
