Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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