when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
