i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
