she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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