Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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