i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
