If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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