Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
