Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
