you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
