I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
