So drunk its hurt
My friends, they love my intelligence
You can't special order awesome
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
