Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
