mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize