man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
