my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
