i already hear my dad disowning me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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