Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
