it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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