I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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