i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
