honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize