I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
