The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
