In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
