cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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