I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
