Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
