Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
