I forgot how hot balto sounded
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
