Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
