she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
cat food counts as protein by the way
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
