Someone shit on the floor
i was born a porn star she said
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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