the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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