just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
