Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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