when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
