You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
