HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
People in love make me want to vomit
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
