he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
