you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
